Just a few hours more until the hordes descend upon our house, demanding free candy. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Since the guy down the street–the one with the haunted garage so locally famous that trailers of kids from across town would roll in to see it–moved away, we’re not getting the crowds we used to.

Still, a hundred or more kids means we have to have a fairly well-stocked cauldron. One year we ran out too soon and the Man had to turn on the popcorn maker and set it to dump hot popcorn into kids’ bags.

For some reason, it didn’t go over too well.

Going around demanding free food (and, in theory, threatening to play a trick if we don’t) is kind of a weird custom, but I can roll with it. What I can’t roll with is the people who are in it only for the free food, and don’t give a dang about the custom at all.

You know whom I mean. The teenagers, old enough to drive and/or get a job to buy their own candy, who slouch up to the door, no visible costume. Who won’t say trick-or-treat. If you’re too cool to say trick-or-treat, you’re definitely too cool to get whatever the cauldron’s serving up tonight.

Until this year.

I don’t want my house egged, so I’m usually too chicken (ha! ha! couldn’t resist) to send the freeloaders away empty-handed. But that doesn’t mean I have to give them something cool.

This year, the Man and I have decided to fight back. Every year we have the Boo Awards–special candy treats that only go to the standouts. The coolest, most creative costumes. The most engaging kids. Whatever. Whoever strikes us as particularly whoa is going to get a special pumpkin lollipop.

In all fairness, I have to admit that the Maiden is a lifetime member of the Boo Awards Club. Not necessarily because of her great beauty, personality, or costume creativity, but more because of the noise she might make were she not to get one of the special pumpkin lollipops.

Okay, we’re pushovers.

But not where the fake trick-or-treaters are concerned. This year, we’re adding in what we like to call the Poo Award. Maybe that’s a bit graphic–but basically, instead of candy the winners of the Poo Award will get crappy stuff. Random Happy Meal toys we want gone. Packets of Lipton’s Tea that we don’t really like but of which we unfortunately have large quantities. And, to the biggest offender of all: a can of sardines that has been sitting on our pantry shelf for three years.

Enjoy your loot haul, suckers.

It’s time to stand up to to trick-or-bullies.


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