It matters not…


This week, we have certainly had our share of drama.  It started over the weekend when the Maiden spiked a high, high fever– and landed in the ER, where she was diagnosed with type A flu.  A couple days later, I got a call from the Man, who had been in a car crash.  Everyone is okay now: the Maiden’s crankily recovering and the Man is safe, other than being a bit shaken and a little sore from the airbag.

Everyone is okay.  But not me.  By late yesterday, I’d become an emotional wreck.  I’d tried to do the “thank goodness it’s all fine” thing and move on, but it wasn’t working.  My mind kept conjuring up scenarios where it wasnt fine, where a few more feet, a few mph faster and the Man could have been badly injured, or worse.  What if the Maiden had been with him?  What if something bad had happened to both?

I’ve always been a perfectionist, anxious to do everything right, anxious to make sure that everything I touched turned to the proverbial gold.  But in the wake of the accident, my heart is crying out that in the end, none of that really matters.

And I know it’s right.

It matters not that the house is a disastrous mess.  A messy house is a full house.  Sick babies can’t run around scattering toys.  Hurt Men can’t leave their clothes on the bedroom floor.  Mess can be cleaned, can be dealt with.  Mess means people.  People matter.

It matters not whether I look good today.  The two people who mean the most to me have seen me, 70 pounds heavier, bloated, sweaty, dark-eyed, and exhausted after seventeen hours of mostly unmedicated labor…and loved me.  The love of those whom I, too love, is what matters.

It even matters not that my writing career is turning around.  Without my family, I have no inspiration.  Pieces of glass don’t form a kaleidoscope if there’s no case; my family is the case that keeps the crazy, ever-changing patterns of life together, focused, unified. Without my family, I have no inspiration.  The Maiden’s antics, interests shared by the Man and I, the fabric of life we’ve woven together– it’s all one with my writing.  Writing without that heart and soul would be cold and empty.  It’s only when I’m banked by their love that my writing matters.

There are many, many times when my family drives me absolutely insane.

But it matters not.

Because they are my family.

And they matter.

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6 responses to “It matters not…

  1. Ok – you are killing me here. Tears fell with this one! You have got to post this/publish this someplace! A MOMS magazine? Hmmmmm.. THIS is just what I needed today – looking around at all I need to do to get the house presentable for the playgroup tomorrow. I can never have ALL THE ROOMS in my house in order at any one time. I guess I asume everyone else does? So many of the things I need to do for tomorrow – are only last minute things. So – I figured I would rush around whenever Eric gets home – run to the store, come back to put the house in order, Make a few dishes, organize and clean up some of the mountains of toys – clean Savannah’s room……. Well – now – not going to happen – not going to get all anxious about doing this. The bedrooom doors will stay closed. I will have the kitchen living areas in order – and it will be better to clean after everyone leaves! I will not ignore Eric in my attempt tonight to make things perfect. You are right – A messy house is a full house – and sick babies can’t go around making messes! I know to many that have this situation.I waited TOO long to have a husband and child in my life to think otherwise!
    Thanks – I really needed this one today! You blessed me!

  2. This is awesome! It is so, so true. Sometimes we do get caught up and don’t take time to see what really matters. Every now we need a moment to do just that. Thanks for the great piece! I hope you don’t mind if I share it with my other mommy friends!

  3. Absolutely, beautifully written! My eyes just saw the light. Thank you!

  4. I LOVE this post! It is so real, true…spoken from the heart. You really should write more.

  5. That is so beautiful and you brought a tear to my eye. Your such a good writer and you should write more. We as mothers or wifes often worry when our husband and kids step out that door to the unknown and anything could happen. It’s scary out there. We are so busy with work and need to stop to spell the roses and truly enjoy our family.

    Thanks for sharing

  6. Wonderful, Christina! I love you, sister 🙂

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